Before we start the broadcast tonight, I just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied (motions to face) this. Now I know you felt the same way I do when I’m in a room with no mirrors.
And folks, there were some wild rumors about why I was gone. These are actual rumors from the actual Internets: some people said my show was cancelled by the Federal Communications Commission at the request of the Federal Election Commission because I was about to announce my presidential candidacy — not gonna happen; others said I was cancelled because I offended the Catholic Church when I compared to the Pope’s hat to a giant, yet stylish, prophylactic; still others said I was in rehab — always an attractive option if they have that for Diet Coke.
And one person — or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabrased off of Joan Rivers’s skull — accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. (Plays video of Joan Rivers saying ‘He had a nose job.’) Wrong, Joan — I did not have my eyes done. That is ridiculous. I had my ass done. The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight I can barely blink now. Anyway, rumors quelled: moving on.
Oh, one more thing: evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails.
STEPHEN COLBERT, opening the Feb. 20, 2012 edition of The Colbert Report, after returning from a two-day hiatus during which he tended to his ill mother.
He ended the monologue by saying “Confidential to a lovely lady,” before making an apparent gesture of support to his mom.
it is making a mockery of the mockery of the system.
So as I engage in my morning ritual of reading lots of newspapers, both in real paper form and online, I have been fascinated by all the buzz Stephen Colbert has generated about his supposed run for President. I watched Colbert and Stewart riff on Colbert’s SuperPAC last night, and thought they satirized the win-wink nudge-nudge reality of non-coordinating coordination between SuperPACs and candidates quite brilliantly. Then, of course, Colbert announced the formation of his exploratory committee … and the crowd went wild.
Except, of course, Stephen Colbert DID NOT announce the formation of an exploratory committee to run for President of the United States. He announced the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate running for the President of the United States OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
Pop quiz: DOES SOUTH CAROLINA HAVE A PRESIDENT? If you don’t know the answer, please stop reading this blog post now. You’re too dim to understand my point.
For the rest of you: the moral of the story is PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY, NOT WHAT YOU THINK THEY SAY. Colbert is a brilliant satirist, and a brilliant attention-getter. He will run a beautiful mock campaign for President of the United States … of South Carolina. It will slice the rituals and absurdities of the real campaign to pieces and we will laugh along with him.
But he’s not running for President. And he told you so. Pay attention.